I was never good at keeping diaries. Periodically I'd be upset about something or be in an introspective mood and jot out a few random thoughts. Today, I've been forced into blogging out of sheer boredom and in an effort to preserve my sanity. A bigwig from the company headquarters is coming into the office, so my boss is flying around in a panic trying to make us look professional. As a result, I've lost the use of my ipod and my phone has been banned to the dark recesses of my desk drawer. Sad day for me, but hello blog. You will keep me company and shape my mental state for the rest of the day.
I was recently introduced to a song called Hawaii by the band Mew. SO EPIC. It's pleasant enough, but unremarkable until two minutes and thirteen seconds into the song. At that point, I feel like a chorus of angels are sounding off in my brain. I love it, I can't wait to listen to it at full blast in the car. It's pretty much the epitome of the word 'uplifting' and I'm not referring to that showy preach Jesus-worship music you find on obscure radio stations and on your neo-Christian friends' ipods. It's like all the molecules of my body are lighting up. Trippy? Yes. Silly? No.
I love music. I know that pretty much everyone else and their dog will tell you the same thing, but everyone else and their dog can suck my big toe. A good song will awaken a lot of emotion in me, a lot of introspective thinking, and a huge shift in my mood and mindset. If you're reading this you might think I'm being silly or dramatic. I don't care what you think. Music is the only way humans can share an emotion across culture and across language and across prejudices. It can lift you up to unimaginable heights or make you feel like the most isolated person in existence. I find one amazing, incredible, mind-blowing song and I can't wait to share with with someone. And as they're listening to it, I'm sitting on the edge of my seat- just hoping they feel it too.
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On a seperate but related note:
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I just happened to glance at my computer task bar, and one of the pages I have up is Dictionary.com. I use it frequently when I blog, I like to check my spelling and double-check on the meaning of some of the bigger words that I use on occasion. I most recently looked up the word 'existence', to check whether it ended in 'ence' or 'ance'. Looking at the minimized page, its heading is written as
Existence | Define Existence
It's just a funny coincidence, taking into account my blog entry from the other day and my unusually pensive mood these past few days. It does make you think though, or at least I hope it does.
ex·ist·ence /ɪgˈzɪstəns/
[ig-zis-tuhns]
–noun
1. the state or fact of existing; being.
2. continuance in being or life; life: a struggle for existence.
3. mode of existing: They were working for a better existence.
4. all that exists: Existence shows a universal order.
5. something that exists; entity; being.
I am contemplating and formulating the origin of my existence. I'm challenging thoughts I've long believed to be true. I'm exploring the areas outside of my boundaries. I want to live life according to my will and pleasures. If something is wrong, it will be wrong because I believed it was. I'm in no way planning on jumping off the deep end, but I don't want to stick to the shallows anymore.
Thinking back on what I've done with my life in the past twenty-one years, the experiences I've had and the mistakes I've made - I'm content. I think I could be doing more with my time, but I'm at peace with all the decisions I've made. I don't regret anything I've done. I've been stupid and I've been lazy, but I've been good as well.
I'm running out of steam for this blog. The Big Cheese from headquarters moved on to another department, I walked behind him on my way to lunch. My earbuds are back in my ears, and my phone is in my lap. I've got Hawaii turned up loud, and I'm leaning back in my chair.
Today is a good day.
