Friend, I don't want to be at work today. I'd rather be doing just about anything else. I live in Arizona, the land of eternal sunshine or something equally corny. Instead of being at work, I'd like to be outside. I'd like to be driving with the windows down and no destination in mind. In all honesty, I'd rather be clipping Rasputin's toenails.
I hope that someday I'll be working at a job that I love, that waking up and getting ready for the day won't seem like a walk to the gallows.
There's a fat girl that sits on the row across from me. She always says the same exact things on calls, and says the same wrong words. 'Ezactly' instead of exactly. 'Mandadates' instead of mandates. Worse still, she uses the customer's name CONSTANTLY throughout the call. She looks like a seal, and I don't mean that in a cute and cuddly way. I mean it in a I-can't-wait-to-club-you-to-death kind of way. She's fat and she has no neck. And she waddles when she walks.
And then there's her laugh.
Oh, her laugh.
It's like a cross between a machine gun sputtering horrible gutteral bullets of hellfire and forced cheerfulness and the sound I imagine a pig would make if it could giggle. I want to take a powertool to my eardrums every time I hear that laugh. I'm sure you'd join me.
"And were you interested in DVR service Susan? ...Yes, of course! You can record your shows with it! Ezactly Susan, ezactly. You say you're getting cable because your kids are driving you crazy? Huhuhuhuhuh. That's so funny Susan."
Friend, I'm glad you don't work for Charter. I'm glad that today, on this beautiful sunny Friday in Arizona, you are not sitting on an uncomfortable chair in a call center. I hope that wherever you are, you are wild and free and nowhere near this place.
I also hope that next time you see a seal, you'll give it a running kick and think of me with a smile.
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